What Happens When Your Birth Plan Does Not Go According to Plan? by Sabrina Wujek
Ask any pregnant woman what unsolicited advice they receive, and I am sure two of them will be- sleep now while you can and throw your birth plan out the window.
The lack of sleep never scared me. My husband and I are both architects, and if you know anyone who survived architecture school, then you know that they never slept. We felt that our bodies adapted to lack of sleep because of this, so we thought we were golden. The birth plan, however, was something that I wanted to control. I would always smile and say, “whatever needs to be done to get the baby out at the end of the day”, but inside I really did believe my plan would work.
If you know me, I am a huge researcher. Like many women, I wanted an unmedicated birth, so I researched like the little Liam Neeson that I am on how to achieve this. I read all the right books- Ina May, Bradley Method, Mama Natural, etc. Got a (catholic!) doula, had a certified nurse midwife, and made sure I exercised and ate all the right things. To top it all off, I had the Sisters of Life praying for us, we consecrated ourselves to St. Joseph and Mary, prayed the rosary daily, had a holy hour and had so many of our friends and family praying for us.
To make an awfully long 40-hour birth story short, the birth did not go according to plan, or I should say my plan. 24 hours of natural labor to then be put on all different medications, that ultimately ended in a c-section, after 40 hours, all during a pandemic was not in my plan. But that was the problem- the whole time, it was my plan, not His.
Only while laboring did it finally hit me that this is all a part of His plan. The entire labor really became an act of surrender and trust. I can’t tell you how many rosaries my husband and I prayed during the 40 hours- on the ride to the hospital, every time we got new news on the labor progression, every time they mentioned we may have to have a c-section, in thanksgiving when he finally descended and I started pushing, in sadness when we cried when I got a fever and before going into the c-section. I gripped the rosary the entire labor like it was my life source. I imagined Mary was holding my hand the whole time. We rode the roller coaster of emotions together, but Mary always brought us back to the cross and gave us peace. She reminded us to trust in His plan, not ours.
After the whole experience, I felt so many emotions. Ecstatic that we finally had our baby, thankful that the three of us were going home together, healthy and safe, and guilt about feeling emotional and depressed about the way the birth went. I felt like I did not deserve to feel sad when we were all just blessed to be alive and going home. As a result of this, I bottled up my emotions. This was not healthy because I started to suffer from PTSD from the experience. I would have flashbacks of the surgery and feel so much anxiety. I finally spoke to my doula about it and she validated my emotions and helped me through them. Yes, things could have gone way worse, but its okay to mourn the birth plan and I needed talk through my personal trauma.
I took the time I needed to talk through the birth experience with others. It’s a lot easier said than done, but it needed to happen, and it helped in the healing process. Then finally one day, I was reminded once again that it was all His plan not mine. I just said this prayer without thinking, “God, thank you for allowing me to suffer for this child.” Um excuse me? What? Allowing me to suffer? When I meditated on these words though, I wept. I prayed so hard throughout the pregnancy, that all of us would be safe and healthy and leave the hospital as a family together. I prayed that our son would be blessed to grow into the man he is meant to become and be holy. So, since suffering is never for nothing, then perhaps I suffered for his health. Or maybe for my health. Maybe for his faith. Maybe it was for the laboring mom in the room next door. Maybe it was for my marriage. Who knows what I suffered for, but it was not for nothing. It was all part of His plan, to have me share a tiny taste in His suffering and to use it for something. I would’ve never felt this way if I hadn’t had a c-section. I really felt united to Christ when they laid me out on the table. I was just thinking “this is my body, given up for you”. It made me realize the yearning I felt to meet my baby is the same thirst Jesus feels for us to meet Him every day.
I will hopefully get the opportunity to ask God one day what the suffering was for (along with a long list of questions I have for Him like “were ticks really necessary?!”). Until then, I have made peace with my birth plan and offer it up every day. I focus on all the good moments of it, like the love that I felt from my husband during it, that moment of pure joy when we heard our son’s first cry, and especially, the way it made my faith stronger and my thirst for Jesus greater.
This story isn’t meant to scare anyone or say that your birth won’t be a pleasant experience. It is meant to first, make you aware that you didn’t fail if your plan doesn’t go according to your plan. Open your heart to His plan, and trust that whatever happens or already happened that day was part of the plan. You were made for this and He is using you in this moment for His will. Secondly, don’t compare your suffering to others. Know that your suffering is never for nothing, no matter how big or small it may seem. Lastly, you need to take the time to talk through and heal from your individual experience.
If we are blessed with more children, I will make sure to unite my plan with His. The birth did go according to plan, just wasn’t mine. His plan has always been better than mine.
Some quotes that helped me:
“More of you, less of me, make me who I’m meant to be”-something I say every day!
“O Mother, it’s very easy to write beautiful things about suffering, but writing is nothing, nothing! One must suffer in order to know! I really feel now that what I’ve said and written is true about everything….It’s true that I wanted to suffer much for God’s sake, and it’s true that I still desire this.”-St Therese de Lisieux
“Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.”-Venerable Fulton J. Sheen
“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus — a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.”-St. Teresa of Calcutta
“I do not know what will happen to me; I only know one thing for certain, that the Lord will never fall short of His promises. “Do not fear, I will make you suffer, but I will also give you the strength to suffer,” Jesus tells me continually. “I want your soul to be purified and tried by a daily hidden martyrdom”. . .”How many times,” Jesus said to me a little while ago, “would you have abandoned me, my son, if I had not crucified you.”-St. Pio of Pietrelcina
