An Experience of Loss in Motherhood by Brya Hanan
Within motherhood, there are a lot of losses you will have to grieve.
I discovered this just two short days after having my daughter: December 15, 2019. I can remember this day so vividly. I was exploding with joy and eager anticipation. I could not wait to bring my daughter back to the nest I so carefully crafted but as my husband and I left the hospital, my stomach churned. I felt this eerie sensation of time slipping at my fingers and everything changing in an instant, and yet not having any control or power to change it. It was the feeling of loss.
As I sat with my daughter in the back seat, staring at her perfectly peaceful face, my heart sank. I averted my gaze to my window and watched the cars pass in the opposing lane. As we drove forward, all I wanted to do was turn around and head back to the hospital. Moving forward meant more loss. It meant more time slipping away. I didn’t want whatever I was experiencing to steal my joy but with the feeling of loss came the feeling of sorrow and it was profound.
When we arrived at our apartment, my parents followed us in to make sure we had all we needed. As I prepared to say goodbye to them, I felt the feeling of loss more deeply. I wanted to say, “Wait, mom, I need you. Don’t leave. I am scared” but instead, I waited silently for the inevitable goodbye and wished them well. As I closed the door behind them, I felt my inner-child yearning for them to take me with them. She too was experiencing great loss.
The next few weeks were a blur but I remember days when I would look at my inflated tummy in the mirror and yearn for the womb that held my daughter safely within me. Everything was moving too quickly. My daughter’s physical features were also evolving rapidly. Most nights after my daughter went to bed, I would fight sleep and scroll through pictures of her on my phone, so I could hold the image of her a little longer but no matter what I did, there was nothing I could do to escape the reality that was lurking: I could not make time stop. Being a mother meant I had to be willing to move forward and lose.
As I reflect back on these early months with my daughter, I think about Mary and her own grieving heart. Mary knew loss well. From the moment the angel Gabriel told her she would become a mother, she embraced the uncertainties and powerlessness that came with it. Having been foretold by Simeon that a “sword would pierce her heart” she also embraced the sorrow and loss that came with motherhood too and indeed, her heart was pierced. She lost her son quite literally when he went missing as a boy in the temple. Then she experienced the most unimaginable kind of loss, a mother’s worst nightmare, when she watched her son be tortured and killed. Who knows what other kinds of losses that pierced Mary’s heart, but these alone certainly move me to the utmost grief.
What is most remarkable when I think about Mary’s motherhood is that she not only allows herself to experience this level of grief but she uses it as an opportunity to be a handmaid. She uses it as an opportunity to let go of control and surrender, so she can be obedient to God’s command and serve. This is evident as she follows God’s last command to her in scripture moments before Jesus’s death and “beholds John as her own son.” At the twilight of her grief, she does not turn inward, she does not look to possess Jesus, change reality, or be afraid but she serves.
Therefore, grief is absolutely necessary. Grief is a price of love and as St. Teresa of Calcutta once said, “love to be real, must cost- it must hurt- it must empty us of self.” The more I can allow my heart to be pierced like Mary’s, the more I can empty myself and make room for servitude. Jesus shows us on the cross and Mary shows us at the foot of the cross that this is how loss is transformed into new life.
As I continue to embrace motherhood and the losses that surely come, I look to Mary to accept change, to let go of control, to welcome sorrow, and to be courageous, so I can serve my daughter and my God well. I can attest that when I live out my motherhood in this way, new life does come. I can see it in the form of my daughter’s big smile after a long day or in the feeling of gratitude in the midst of my struggle, or through my own personal growth and development. It comes. Needless to say, it is not easy to embrace loss by any means. Some days are definitely harder than others, and some experiences of loss are more difficult to embrace than others, but through it all I can confidently exclaim I have gained and will continue to gain so much more than I could ever lose.
So if you are a mother and reading this, I hope you acknowledge when you feel your grief. Validate how painful it is, even if it feels silly or if you think you’re being too dramatic. The losses in motherhood are very real and they really do pierce the heart (no matter how big or small). Allow yourself to bring these losses to the Lord, even if it is personal loss, like loss of time, loss of independence, or loss of quality time with your spouse. Let the Lord comfort you and bring you courage. Let Love Himself empty you so you can be filled with all that is good and holy.
Also, be intentional with the time you are given with your children. Look out for the opportunities to let go and to serve. Look out for opportunities to relish in those beautiful moments of “new life.” Ask for Mary’s intercession. Allow our Holy Mother to carry the grief in your heart with you. Let her be with you in your sadness, worry, bargaining for more time, anger, and/or frustration. Let her be with you in your great love for your children.
As always you are not alone. You are seen in your grief and you are held. Your loss has great meaning and will be transformed so it can be a great gift. Together, let us seek to courageously embrace this reality of motherhood. Together, let us serve well.
