Resilience to Change by Cait Winters

Though motherhood has taught me to accept seasons as they come, it has also further complicated my relationship with change. From the moment you find out that you have a life inside, you yourself are changed. Indeed, the changes parenthood brings begin before we even know it. Then it’s playing catch-up with no end in sight. Phases coming and going without much time to think things through. It’s one of the things that makes these messy chapters of my life so bittersweet, once I finally get the chance to catch my breath, the season’s already turning.

This familiar pattern played out recently for the umpteenth time in my motherhood journey as I weaned my youngest. Up to that point we had been extended nursing with baby led weaning but, it was clear that we were both getting frustrated. He was already restricted to a few minutes at nap and bedtime but, the need for the comfort he received from our time together was still evident.

I tried to keep to the limits I had already put in place, waiting until he was more comfortable letting go. But both of us were miserable due to his grumpiness and trying to regress. It was clear the time had come. He cried for a few days but soon he had stopped trying. With such a huge demand lifted and some extra time to process I began to realize that although I was glad to have my body back to myself, I felt a little grumpy about it too.

It was the end of an era. I had spent over five years in baby mode, pregnant and nursing him and his older sister and here was my littlest child, taking another huge step toward further independence.

It reminded me of our first postpartum outing. We had just gone out to run some errands and grab lunch but I had done my hair for the first time in many days and even put on makeup. It felt good to be in a semi-normal state. When I was still pregnant I read once that once some women have their babies they miss them being in their womb. I laughed so hard when I read that I had to chew another Tums! I never had an easy pregnancy. I get sick, bloated and swollen. I’m too short and get uncomfortable early. Missing all of that was the furthest thing from my mind, especially when waiting on a perfect little baby to arrive!

But in the car that afternoon as my newborn wailed from his rear-facing car seat I felt the distance between him and my newly empty womb. We went over a bump in the road and it sent a quick pain through my middle where my scar was still healing. That's when I start to feel overwhelmed. It had only been a couple of weeks since we brought him home. He was vulnerable and out of the safety of my reach. I wasn't ready to do this. The strong facade I had painted was quickly washed away as I cried all of my makeup off right there in the passenger’s seat.  

But we made it through. We adjusted. Eventually, he came to love going for rides in the car and I came to love a glass of wine on the weekends again! Although weaning carried emotions of its own it was easier than that first outing, and preparing me for more. Though it can feel hard for me to let go sometimes, being a mother makes this resilience to change a must.

Turning to my faith, setting goals and leaning on my support system during times like this help me process all the changes as they come. That way I can sift my way through the mixed emotions I feel and come up damp-eyed but proud. I love my children beyond words but, I have to set them free to watch them fly. And I want to be the one cheering the loudest for them to grow up and succeed. Even if that means they have to grow away from me.