“I’m Always Yelling & Feel Like a Failure as a Mom” On How to Cope
Yesterday I witnessed a conversation between mothers that went something like this, “I feel like a failure to my family and I’m always yelling at my kids. I’m so overwhelmed”. Honestly, my first reaction was relief because, me too! I also tend to hit the pillow at night thinking of the ways that I failed. I also wonder if my kids will think that I’m a terrible mother and I also struggle at times to effectively cope with my emotions. Sometimes I wonder, “what will it take for me to get it together?” and I know that I’m not alone.
This isn’t uncommon, but I think that us moms aren’t always talking about this so it’s easy to get in our own heads and wonder why all of the other moms we know have it all figured out. Sometimes, myself included.
So many women spoke up in response to this one mom feeling like she is failing her family and they were all in agreement. Some moms offered suggestions, others provided podcasts and books that helped and some didn’t have input but simply stated that they too, experience this.
So yes, we are in good company, but that doesn’t mean that this feels good or that it’s right. Realistically, you may be feeling very overwhelmed. It’s possible that whatever routine that you have set up in your home, is just not working and needs to be adjusted. If you find yourself more often then not getting frustrated with those around you and reacting with yelling, rage or anger, it’s definitely time to see where adjustments can be made.
Maybe it’s your schedule that needs to be readjusted.
Perhaps you need to get your hormones checked. Some women find that an imbalance plays a role.
You may have unrealistic expectations of what your life should be looking like.
Past wounds may be surfacing because something is triggering them.
There are many reasons.
Take me for example. I’m highly organized and thrive in a peaceful environment and this can be beautiful and helpful because in some ways, the desire for order and peace helps to keep my family also feeling orderly and peaceful. There is nothing inherently wrong with this but, when not properly ordered, or when my anxiety is getting the best of me, my expectations around order in the home create a very stressful environment for everyone. I start to feel overwhelmed and cranky and expect everyone around me to read my mind and help (and I don’t always know what would be helpful in those moments so you can imagine how my husband feels). Then, I start to run on adrenaline and I stop thinking clearly.
Then the yelling starts.
Then the guilt.
So here are a few practical steps that may help you to gain perspective, reduce guilt, and pick up the pieces during the moments where you are feeling like a failure because of your reaction to family members. These steps are what I do, and some days this goes off without a hitch. Other days, I have put up additional barriers that make these tips harder to accomplish. I persevere nonetheless.
Morning offering
Start each morning asking the Lord for the grace to effectively cope with all that the day brings. Offer the day up to Him. Don’t underestimate prayer.
Reality testing & check-in
In the moment, take a breath. What are you feeling and why? What is happening? What do you need and how can it realistically be achieved in this moment?
For example: “I’m overwhelmed, I need a few moments to myself... Now that I’ve had some time, do all of the dishes have to be completed now or is that my overwhelm speaking?” then, consider a different more appropriate action.
Community
It really helps to have other moms in your corner who get it, who can challenge you and also nurture you. Who can speak truth & support. We aren’t meant to do this alone.
Pick up the pieces & repair
Okay so, in the midst of your overwhelm, you yelled, were sarcastic with those you love and were argumentative. It wasn’t your finest moment. A humbling and important next step may be to apologize.
Maybe you say something like, “I want to apologize for getting so angry with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, I just had a hard time managing my emotions. You know when you get so mad that you cry? That’s how mommy felt.”
more often than not, my daughter gets it and it’s an opportunity to talk about emotions, how we react, and what is appropriate. When I say this is humbling, it really is. Usually by this time you are feeling a bit embarrassed and guilty but let me tell you, it feels a lot better and it’s a lot healthier when you can repair.
