Authentic Community and Motherhood by Monica Ortega
I recently found an old prayer journal as I finished unpacking the last of our moving boxes. (You know...from our move across town that we did over a year ago...!). And in it, I found some pages written from July 2009. It detailed prayers from my young adulthood of joy and struggle including my dating life with my now husband, intercessions for my siblings, and heartfelt sentences of loneliness.
I’d always been a social girl. In elementary and middle school, despite the occasional tease for being a teacher’s pet, I fit in fairly well with my peers at my small parochial school. High school was a bit of a challenge because I then attended the local public school with approximately 800 students per grade. Still, I had plans almost every weekend with friends or teammates. Of course, there was the typical teenage drama, but I felt like I always had friends to talk to through the roller coaster of emotions and events of the times.
Entering young adulthood, on the other hand, left me feeling much more isolated. I’d committed to practicing my faith before graduating from high school, began exiting the party scene, and committed to a more virtuous lifestyle in college.
I went away for a semester, but ended up transferring to a state school and lived at home. I participated regularly in my church community and volunteered regularly. I worked two jobs. I was involved, I was my usual chatty-extraverted-self, but I was longing for authentic friendship.
Then, one evening in mid-July, I attended a workshop at a parish a few towns over. I’d been signed up by my mentor who felt like this presentation on “how to be involved in your church as a young adult” would be a good fit for me. She’d hoped I could meet some people like myself, be encouraged to continue being active in ministry, and maybe make a friend or two.
When I arrived, I discovered a long table set up in the front of the room with a panel of college students and several rows of chairs. Empty chairs.
Come to find out, my boyfriend and I were the only people to attend! We rolled our eyes...this was going to be lame, these people were probably out of touch with culture, but we were stuck. We couldn’t casually excuse ourselves from this awkward moment.
When we all acknowledged that the original plan for the workshop was a bust, the agenda got thrown out the window and authentic conversation ensued. Holy SPIRIT!
Fast forward 3 years, and several of the panel members stood by our sides to support us as we entered the sacrament of marriage. Some are now the godparents of our children. And most of us live within a 2 mile radius of each other.
We found true authentic friendships on that fateful night of July 21, 2009. And I am so grateful that the one time I tried to journal my prayers daily for a month was documented! (Because that habit hasn’t stuck since!)
This past year, my family has endured some serious challenges. Many that could have been extremely isolating had it not been for our community.
Not only have we faced the pandemic, but with a husband/father who was working the frontlines as a caretaker in a nursing home. Through two outbreaks and 8+ weeks of strict quarantine each time, we were gifted meals, Facetime wine calls, and virtual double dates.
And not two weeks after the end of our second quarantine, I began having symptoms that resulted in a diagnosis of a high risk pregnancy at 31 weeks after a double overnight hospital stay, sending me home to bedrest and 4 kiddos under 7.
Again, our community showed up. Meals, house cleaning, and laundry folding. And prayers.
Next, an early induction and NICU stay without a firm diagnosis for the reason our newborn wasn’t thriving.
Childcare and take out. And more prayers. Tangible prayers. The kind that carry you when you cannot even fathom functioning. Real, honest, and heartfelt prayers. Godparents on their knees daily kind of prayers.
Their love for us was tangible.
Ladies. Jesus needed a Simon to help Him carry His cross. Jesus needed a John to accompany Him during His deepest suffering. And our family has been blessed to have found ours.
All this is to say, your desire for friendship has been placed on your heart because we’ve been designed by our Creator for community. For God Himself is community. And Christ’s private life within His family and His public life with the Apostles is evidence of the holiness of community.
I’d like to share some ways to form and foster community:
1. Pray. Pray authentically and openly for friends. Be honest about your loneliness. Ask for God to fill the gaps of your heart and your calendar with people who will love you well. Then surrender your desires. He promises to answer our prayers when they will bless us. (Mt 21:22)
2. Invite. Be the friend you want to have. Ask people to come over, go out, or join you somewhere. Most often, friendships are missed because both are fearful of taking the first step. It can be intimidating, but be brave and be the first to make a move. Also, be vulnerable. Share your story, welcome others into your real life, and be supportive of theirs. People will be more comfortable when they can tell you are being yourself. They, in turn, will reciprocate. Initiating openness allows them to offer themselves in return.
3. Start something. If you don’t know where to find like-minded people, start a group or event that will attract them. Go to your parish and begin a Bible study, a parents’ night out, or a [insert quirky hobby] club. Be the one to initiate. Or if one already exists and you’ve been avoiding going because you don’t feel like you’ll fit in, consider this your challenge to go!
For some more ideas or resources on authentic community, I recommend checking out Walking with Purpose, Blessed is She, Endow, and Beloved. But more than looking “out there” at programming and online platforms, I truly cannot emphasize enough: look inward to your community or parish, and then maybe consider bring one of those resources home to them.
My dear sisters, know that you are worthy of love and that Christ has people picked just for you to demonstrate that worthiness in the flesh. May your prayers be answered in cooperation with His heavenly will.
